Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
