You can't special order awesome
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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