i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
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