Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize