The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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