i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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