i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
