Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Found the puke drawer
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
