dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
