I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
