I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
