she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize