you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
