Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
