I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
