You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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