I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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