I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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