There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
