Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You did what with his pubic hair?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
