so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
