Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
