a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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