Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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