I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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