Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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