Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
