the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
