this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
