I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
