I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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