I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
