That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
