I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
