I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
