I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
