i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
