I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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