me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
