I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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