my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize