Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
