Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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