i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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