It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
