My hand turned me down
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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