I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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