i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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