Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
