it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize