ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
