upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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