I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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