I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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