You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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