Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
