the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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