I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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